Just thought i’d go down memory lane and share my essay from freshman year!

My anxiety and depression began noticable in fifth grade. But, you have to find ways to let go of being anxious and depressed and find ways that make you happy and distracted. But, it’s easier said than done. There are many factors to my anxiety like fifth grade, the process of middle school, freshman year and my home life.

Middle school was the main trigger for my anxiety. Towards the middle of my fifth grade year, typical middle school drama began. People were bullying each other and starting rumors. One day, during recess, a girl I didn’t know walked up to me and said, “I heard you’re lesbian. You’re so weird!” I was shocked by this. I couldn’t talk back and I couldn’t move my mouth. I just looked at her blankly as she laughed and walked away to her group of friends. Each class I had, people would look at me and whisper to the person next to them. I knew they were talking about me. They were spreading more false information. Sixth grade was the first year I thought about harming myself. I was too scared to talk to anyone else about people bullying me or my suicidal thoughts, so I was in thought about taking it to my body and harming it. Just a month after the girl told me I was what she thought I was, during recess, me and my couple friends were near a fence. There were branches of a plant with dark, green thorns surrounding the branches. One of my friends asked, “What are you looking at?” I told her nothing as they kept talking. I took a thorn and hid it in my pocket. Once recess was over, I took the thorn to the bathroom and did what I thought I deserved. I should have known it was foolish. But, I was being bullied for who I was at such a young age, I didn’t know what to do. So, I knew, overall that middle school was just the start of a difficult life.

I was told by many people that all of this middle school crap would go away in high school. I got my hopes up way too high. I dreamed of myself walking through the doors of the high school for the first time, people actually saying hello to me in the halls, being happy and accepted. Though, once I walked through those doors in September freshman year, I felt small. People who were tall, some six feet were smiling. Talking to ttheir friends about calculus and biology. Everyone seemed like they had a purpose for being in school. To see their friends and get a diploma. But, everything changed for me in high school. My grades were going down, rumors were still flying like airplanes and I lost friends along the way. I still remember the worst day of freshman year. It was a week into school, and I was getting off the bus. Right as I got into the cafeteria, I got stared down. I was like a deer infront of a headlight. I was frozen. I saw people giggling at a table close to me. I knew what they were laughing about. Over the weekend, I got notice that people were telling each other I slept with three boys in one night. Obviously, It wasn’t true, but people didn’t believe me. I walked to the bathroom and stayed in there until second block began. I had so many different emotions running through my head like a waterfall. I was scared to go to school, afraid of being hurt and angry for being who I was. My second block teacher asked, “Where were you first block? You were marked absent.” Everyone was laughing quietly with the person next to me. All except one person, my best friend. It all really helped me find who my real friends are. My friends, now, have stuck with me through all the things that were going on in my life, no matter what the issue. The real friends didn’t laugh at me ever. My true friends are definitely a high in my school day. High school, so far, has helped me find support and freedom.

Though school has gotten better, my life at home is like middle school in a way. Right when I get home from school, I go to bed to completely ignore the world. I’ve thought, ‘Well, it helps me leave the outside world and it gives me time to myself.’, when really all it’s done is drop my grades and gave me depression. My mom and I always get into arguements at home, too. One night, I was upset because of school, and once my Mom started pestering me about it, I lashed out and slept for a whole day the day after. The worst day was when I almost was sent to the hospital. Me and my Mom had such a terrible arguement about school, that I harmed myself. My Mom found out and almost sent me to the hospital. I begged her and begged her till she was worn out and gave up. Home, in my opinion, is supposed to be a place where people feel safe, happy and welcome. For me, it’s a place to have full access to sharp items, a place to sit and think about why I hate life and where I can let the tears fall. When my dog passed a few months ago, I told my Mom I was greiving harder than I thought I would. I mean, I loved my dog, but I had no intentions to be upset about it that long. Being at home, where my dog used to be was upsetting to me. It made the house feel even more empty than it already did. Just the thought of death of a loved one made me tear up. The simplest things made me do the dumbest decisions, like self harm and avoiding the world. Though middle school was hard, my home is a battlefield.

Positivity is one of the hardest things for a person with anxiety and depression to have. It takes pure hard work to feel loved and wanted. Though it takes heart and soul, there are ways to cope with these diseases. Some ways that me and my family have come up with are ways that have helped me so much. I am seeing a therapist currently. She is my bucket and I spill everything onto her. One day, after school, I talked about my whole week, which took a whole two hours of me talking non stop. We do a thankful jar, so whenever I have a happy thought, I can write it down to remember it. Recently, I’ve been able to write one thing per day, which is a big deal for me. My family, recently, has been so supportive and so loving and have helped me so much with my problems. It makes me so happy that I have friends to look after me and rant to whenever I’m mad or upset. There are so many ways to help cope with your anxiety and depression. It is just a matter of making a goal and believing in yourself. It is hard, but deep down people know there is a light after the darkness.

Overall, the point is that there is always a way to find happiness in all depression and anxiety. But for me, i’m still trying to understand that. Middle school, high school and my home life are all factors to my depression and anxiety. But, i’m forever thankful for all of the people who support me. There’s always a rainbow at the end of a storm, and it’s worth the wait.